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Thu, May. 6th, 2004, 08:52 pm

I have no voice.

I've lost it.

I've looked everywhere, and it's gone. It's not under the couch cushions, not at the bottom of my school bag, not in the heartfelt conversations with my boyfrind, not in the solace of my parents, not at the bottom of a beer bottle, and not in a beautiful ray of light.

And I will cry for the second time today. I can feel it in my throat, behind my eyes. I didn't cry yesterday. It was the first day in months.

I had dry oatmeal and half a bottle of beer for dinner. Half a bagel for lunch/breakfast. I feel sick when I eat.

I sat in the sun in a new skirt and felt pretty for three hours today. Sun burn my skin. Hot, hot coffee down my throat. Wanted to burn the skin, soak in intense heat of done. Done with the year. Three hours.

I tell him what life is like now and he thinks I'm just tired. Burnt out. I tell him I'm scared. That I hate every part of me. He says soon he will hold me. But who will he want to hold? There is no way I am easy to love right now. How can he possibly? What will he do if I don't get better? How will he be able to hold this thing I am now?

Don't know how to ask for help. Don't know who to ask.

Thought about my father. Thought about how easy it was...would be...would have been. Thought I was being overly dramtic. Am being. Am being.

Too much doubt fear hate anger shame need rage. need.

Just because I don't always look like this doesn't mean it doesn't count. Doesn't mean this isn't who I come home to, wake up to.

Thu, May. 6th, 2004 10:08 pm (UTC)

Over-ly dramatic doesn't exist. Feelings are feelings and you feel them intensely. Intensity is something most people only dream of, but when someone who can feel it expresses that, they get told to stop being so dramatic. It's acting upon it that makes it so. Sure, it would be easy. Too easy. It takes bravery to wake up everyday and face the world, unsure of what's going to happen next and deal with all the shit. Sure it takes bravery to face a new changing life, but it also takes bravery to sit down and work through the problems, not just run away from them. That's what I meant to say-I'm afraid I'm running away. But you're brave enough to work it out, no matter how much you have to go through.

I know it doesn't pertain to me, but i thought I should tell you from a friend point of view: Never think you're not easy to love. When you're down, you're still Caitlin. When you feel like shit, you're still Caitlin. And whether you think so or not, who you are is really quite a wonderful person to love. If you were always happy and cheerful, then you would be impossible to love. You would be too perfect. You would have no problems for those who love you to try and help you solve, and as a result, you would not be able to advise any of us when we're feeling like crap too. And then sitting in the sun in cute summery outfits would take 20 minutes. No thanks. I far prefer skipping work for a few HOURS to look cute and bitch and talk and catch up.

And on a side note to wrap it all up....I helped Harumi move some stuff over today...Your new place is SOOOOOOOOO cute. I might have to spend a lot of time there next year. I absolutely love it and am insanely jealous. Just thought I should tell you.....

Fri, May. 7th, 2004 01:50 am (UTC)

A friend once told me that there was a price to being an artist, to being a creative individual.

While you have the ability to burn brighter and higher than any other flame, the price is times of darkness when the fuel runs short, and you can't see any hope...and each time you burn low, there is the fear that the light will never come back again.

The light always returns, inevitably, and lucky people such as yourself have good friends to help you find your way through the darkness when you forget yourself that you have the ability to shine.

It's not easy to accept the darker times, despite assurances that they won't last forever. Still, if the painful moments that make the passionate ones possible, perhaps they are worth it? A harsh trade, most definitely, though one that befits the balance of life.

I hope you find your way through.