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Mon, Sep. 13th, 2004, 07:37 pm
"If you want a ball to bounce you gotta let it go."

Ok, so maybe there are some feelings I'm not adressing here. And by here, I mean at all, in my life. I have decided not to cry, because to cry would mean that I fall apart every time he leaves. And I don't want to be that girl. So I don't cry. My throat gets tight and my eyes water, but I don't cry. I am a complete bitch to people who don't deserve it, but I don't cry. I am needy and self-centered, but I don't cry. I am drunk far too often, but still, I don't cry.

Except every time I think of him I want to. I wonder if I had just cried that frst time, I would be fine by now. I just don't know how to let him go each time without falling apart. How do I open the floodgates just enough to get over it and then shut them again? I'm so afraid I won't be able to. And why does that make me feel so dependant? I don't know what to say but I feel that something should be said. As an explaination, a starting point...? I don't know.

Perhaps if I was allowing my self to fucking feel anything, I would know how to say it.