I have no voice.
I've lost it.
I've looked everywhere, and it's gone. It's not under the couch cushions, not at the bottom of my school bag, not in the heartfelt conversations with my boyfrind, not in the solace of my parents, not at the bottom of a beer bottle, and not in a beautiful ray of light.
And I will cry for the second time today. I can feel it in my throat, behind my eyes. I didn't cry yesterday. It was the first day in months.
I had dry oatmeal and half a bottle of beer for dinner. Half a bagel for lunch/breakfast. I feel sick when I eat.
I sat in the sun in a new skirt and felt pretty for three hours today. Sun burn my skin. Hot, hot coffee down my throat. Wanted to burn the skin, soak in intense heat of done. Done with the year. Three hours.
I tell him what life is like now and he thinks I'm just tired. Burnt out. I tell him I'm scared. That I hate every part of me. He says soon he will hold me. But who will he want to hold? There is no way I am easy to love right now. How can he possibly? What will he do if I don't get better? How will he be able to hold this thing I am now?
Don't know how to ask for help. Don't know who to ask.
Thought about my father. Thought about how easy it was...would be...would have been. Thought I was being overly dramtic. Am being. Am being.
Too much doubt fear hate anger shame need rage. need.
Just because I don't always look like this doesn't mean it doesn't count. Doesn't mean this isn't who I come home to, wake up to.